I was inspired to look for somewhere to vent after I saw a series of posts talking about behaviors that would negatively affect someone's mentally ill partner, and i, as a mentally ill person who had been best friends with a terrible person for 1/3 of my life, quickly recognized every single scenario as reflecting the way she treated me.
For context, we met in 6th grade. We'd been friends for 6-ish years. She was always jokingly categorized as an angry/grumpy person, which excused a lot of her rudeness early on. Throughout our relationship, there was weird tinges of wanting something more, mostly on her side. I just wanted to be wanted. Nearing the end, we almost acted entirely like a couple. A toxic one. We acted like were dating, without ever explicitly saying it, but we were. Basically, what I'm trying to get across is we were really close. I spilled to her things I wouldn't tell other people out of embarrassment. Stuff like more nerdy/'cringey' interests of mine, things that i deal with as a result of my mental illness, etc, etc.. Now i realize I was wasting my fucking time with her.
I always tried to be a nice friend; I complimented her, listened to her rant about the things she loved, supported her hobbies, showed her affection, etc, etc.. When I care about people, I always try my hardest. She doesn't.
She was always mean, rude, standoffish. She would rarely return any of the positive energy I gave her. She never really acted like she really cared about me.
She would tell me to shut up, respond dryly, be offensive, etc when i talked about things i liked and wanted to share them with her. She wouldn't have it. It made me feel bad for liking them or even talking at all.
She would physically push me away and whine like a child whenever I wanted to show her basic affection like hugging or holding hands. I understand when people want personal space, but it was constant. And when you want personal space, you don't PHYSICALLY push people away with force; You talk to them and ask them to stop. She just made me feel pathetic for trying.
She would rarely ever just compliment me, or act sweet, unless it was performative/in front of her other friends. She wanted to project that were made for each other to them i guess, which is funny, because I later found out through one of her lovelier friends that'd she often talk trash about me to her other friends about when I'd rant about fictional characters or movies I liked. The friend said it lightheartedly, assuming that I knew and that we were both tired of each other in a playful way. I didn't know and we weren't. My 'friend' stuttered like I wasn't supposed to know. I brushed it off in the moment, but later I kept thinking about it.
In conjunction with being rude about me talking about my interests, she was rude about them in general. She'd say she didn't like it, or make faces and act like it was weird. Which hurt, because weeks or even DAYS later she'd turn around and talk about how in love with it she is. About 70% of her current interests are a result of my influence, and it sucks so much knowing that.
All her responses to me talking about serious issues in my life felt to flat. and fake. Like she didn't really care; just wanted this convo to be over with. Wanted me to Think she cared.
She would always jokingly say she doesn't want to be friends anymore; I don't know how much of a joke those statements were now.
One of the most positive things I saw her post publicly about me was saying '[she] always makes me feel better'. I hate looking back on it.
I dealt with this for 1/3 OF MY LIFE. I let her make me feel bad for THAT LONG. I NEVER TORE AWAY BECAUSE THE FEW TIMES SHE'D BE SWEET TO ME OR RESPOND NOT LIKE A COMPLETE BITCH, I HUNG ONTO THEM. I LET THEM EXCUSE EVERYTHING ELSE SHE DID. SHE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME. SHE'D SHOW ME AFFECTION RARELY, USUALLY PERFORMATIVELY, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SWITCH BACK TO BEING MEAN AND STANDOFFISH. SHE USED ME TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER AND BECAUSE SHE KNEW I'D CARE AND THEN DIDN'T BOTHER PUTTING FORWARD THE SAME. I DON'T THINK IT WAS INTENTIONAL BECAUSE SHE ALSO HAS ISSUES, BUT BEING SAD DOESN'T JUSTIFY THE WAY YOU TREAT OTHER PEOPLE EITHER.
One moment that really stood out to me-- that really hurt my heart when it happened-- was one night during a call with her. I told her 'i love you'. I always tell my closest friends that a lot. I guess it's because I know I like reassurance, and I'm lonely, so I give it to others. I let them know I love them because, well, I do! Instead of a simple "I love you too" or a heart emoji, a fucking thank you, anything; she told me "can you stop saying 'i love you' so much? it's annoying.". my mood immediately dipped. i said sorry. WHY would i say sorry to her? it makes me sad just thinking about it again.
One night I cried because I thought I had feelings for her, but it turns out I was just conditioned to think what she was doing to me was ""love"". I feel so sick to my stomach looking back. I know she doesn't even feel bad about it now. She just treated me like her fucking dog on a leash for 6 yrs and then stopped talking to me when I wasn't fun to play with anymore. I want to cry. She probably doesn't even think about how the way she acted affected me at all. because SHE'S always the victim. I feel pathetic for even trying. I feel like I wasted my time. I have an actual best friend who cared about me, and who I bond with so naturally, and who's behavior actually reflects them loving me, but I said this chick was my ''''best friend''''' because they said I was theirs-- fuck off. I hope I never have to see her again, but I also want to tell her how terrible she's made me feel. I want her to feel guilty. But looking at even her name makes me want to vomit.
I think what makes it hurt the most is that she said we were going to live together. we were going to get married and have a future together, and then she cut me off. I know it sounds stupid, but it would've been fun. I'm the loneliest person I know. And I don't have the best family life. I cling to promises like that. I daydream about what that could mean for me. And then she cut me off. She didn't reply to anything I'd say. She stopped caring. And it hurt me.