Okay so, this my first time using this website (I dont think its even made for me honestly lmao) and I probably wont anymore after this. I just need to get some shit off my chest that I cant normally.
I don't know how to star this but things have been rough for me. I've been isolating myself for over 4 months from my friends and no one has even batted an eye or made an attempt to contact me. I didn't do this to show off or something like that, but I just cant bring myself to try to connect with other people right now. My mental health has been at one of the worst declines I've experienced and I have zero support system right now. But I guess no one listens to me anyways. They just nod and only seem to enjoy me as entertainment. I'm so disconnected from my sense of self and who I am. I don't know who I am. I'd probably be dead if it wasn't for the promise of medical transition and my boyfriend's support.
I've been having nightmares and this is a rare thing for me and I keep getting reminded of past trauma that just leaves me in shambles. Even the way someone talked that reminded me of a shitty fucking person I knew when I was younger was enough to cause me to breakdown. I'm dealing with self harm urges and I'm only keeping myself from indulging in it because I know my family and friends would be disgusted with me.
I don't feel real at all lately. I need help but I don't think anyone really truly cares enough to give a shit. I cant connect anymore and its fucking tearing me apart. I hate it.
I cant properly articulate or internlinze everything thats happening to me right now but thanks for reading.