UGHHGHH

Okay, I'm in 7th grade, and i have to admit, I am thinking about suicide. I'm too fucking stressed all the time. With all this online work, losing friends, and family problems, its honestly just frustrating. I cry myself to sleep almost everynight.

I'm currently failing 4 subjects. i am trying my best to get them up, I really am. And then theres also the fact that I barely have any friends, and my family thinks I'm really weird since my siblings have more friends than me. Sorry that I have really bad anxiety. I literally can't talk to people or I'll feel really sick. I used to have way more friends last year, but they're all online. I really only have 2 friends now. Back onto my parents, well step dad atleast. I decided back in september to tell my mom and step dad that I feel suicidal, and i think i have depression since i cut myself and I always have these thoughts. My mom wanted to help me, and you know what my step dad said? "You have no reason to be depressed" He thinks he knows how I feel, and he thinks he knows everything. He doesn't know what goes on in my mind or at school. But if i ever try to tell him this, he says I'm talking back and then he sends me to my room. Thanks. And it doesn't help me either that my actual dad drinks and gets in trouble with the police. He then goes on to blame me for his drinking problems since i never come and see him anymore. I'm sorry! I don't want to visit you because you committed many small crimes. You should be in jail, but he uses his "ptsd" as an excuse. He was in the army, but he never fought or anything. The only thing he did was cheat on my mom with two other women. He's also had many girlfriends too. They all broke up with him because he's an assh*le. Ugh. I just can't do this anymore

Thanks for coming to my rant

Today I got in trouble related to school again but today it was different , My crazy ass mom and following ass step-dad was into it 2 , my mom told me to send her my grades which I did the week prior to this one it was my birthday so I basically took a week off of school but still slowly started to turn in my missing assignments the day before this one my teachers started to put stuff in 2 great grades 2 bad ones and then the other one didn't put anything yet . I'm so drained emotionally physically and mentally in this house :((( . I have the kind of mom . If i fail one class or have a failing grade in a class she's going to tell me my life story and call me all kind of names today's phrases were "you a weak ass soft ass stank ass no life having ass bitch " you can't post a picture without a filter or makeup because you ugly as hell and none wants you but me . "these boys only want to fuck you dirty ass bitch" "you and yo dirty ass friend" today my mom beat me upside my head and I have 2 knots on my face and when I was screaming and trying to go outside she pulled me , then my stepdad walked in and asked me a question and I'm like trembling and I shook my head no and he slapped me and she watched and called me all types of dumb b's & whores . If I had the courage to kms I would but I can't my mom knows nothing about me besides the stuff she seen me or "caught" me doing . I feel so unloved so unheard out and I feel like none listens to me or what I have to say . I do feel like this with or without my phone , I don't come out of my room , I say nothing to nobody , I hate going places with them because you are consistently walking on eggshells , I don't know what I did or what karma I deserve , I or none else should be going through this because of school , none should at all school makes me feel like a failure and she told me that I quote " you will be a ho with 7 baby-daddies no education and living in low income apartments with people who don't love you , I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS YOU SO IF YOU LEAVE THAT'S IT" yall i be so close to ending it , none listens to me and none hears me out and I never get congratulated for the good I do it's always "that's what you supposed to do ". It's embarrassing to have to get bullied by your parents lol .

So, my family is making us go on a family vacation. Obviously, I am against this, as this pandemic is still raging on and I am immunocompromised. I'm super upset about this, duh, but my family already has planned it and they won't listen.

So, I decide, why not make the best of a bad situation. I get some cute new clothes along with a cute black mini backpack. I'm feeling good because I am able to differentiate my style from my twin. I can't stand matching with them as I feel like whenever anyone senses that we are even slightly matching they start to refer to us as one unit when we are in fact two very different people.

I was really really excited about the unique mini backpack, so I went and showed it to my twin, who thought it was cute. So cute, that they had to go and buy THEIR OWN BLACK MINI BACKPACK. Obviously, I was upset by that, and I asked them to maybe try and get a different style of bag. They wouldn't listen to me, insisting that the bags were entirely different because theirs has a pattern on it. They're practically the same thing!

So now I'm going on a family vacation that I could very well die on and I can't even take comfort in my appearance because my twin just had to get a bag that looked exactly like mine.

I really hate my mom. Is that normal cause for some reason she just yells at me about school and it feels like she ruining my life everyday. Like I'm just tired, sometimes I want to relive my life or just don't live. Its like when she gets home she only screams at me about my teachers or like just screams at me. By the way im grounded at the time for having bad grades. But when i ask for her help she says " you're independent to do it your self. you have sources", and she'll say to look up still half of the time. I just needed to take this off my chest. ( dont mind photo.)

i am a sophomore in high school who's struggling to stay on top of my grades. school has been especially hard since COVID, and even before then, it was a challenge for me to function. i have MDD, PTSD, ADHD, and Anxiety. what a lovely clusterfuck i have going on, right? :) i'm constantly emotionally and physically abused. my best isn't good enough for my mother. i have to always meet HER standards or else i'm just being "lazy and irresponsible". i'm trying my absolute hardest, but getting myself out of bed and dressed properly is a struggle in itself. i can barely handle the fuckton of work my teachers pile onto me daily, let alone focus enough to understand the lesson. i can feel my sanity and will to live slipping away with each passing day. i don't know how much longer i can handle being belittled and berated for every mistake i make. i've considered running away with my best friend several times, since our mothers are both EXTREMELY similar with their "parenting" methods. my mother claims i need her, but in reality i don't. i don't need her for jackshit. i feel like her puppet. she pulls the strings and makes me do things to compensate for whatever fuckups she's had in the past. sorry, but that has not one damn thing to do with me and i refuse to let you continue to control me as if i cannot make decisions on my own.