Okay so, this my first time using this website (I dont think its even made for me honestly lmao) and I probably wont anymore after this. I just need to get some shit off my chest that I cant normally.
I don't know how to star this but things have been rough for me. I've been isolating myself for over 4 months from my friends and no one has even batted an eye or made an attempt to contact me. I didn't do this to show off or something like that, but I just cant bring myself to try to connect with other people right now. My mental health has been at one of the worst declines I've experienced and I have zero support system right now. But I guess no one listens to me anyways. They just nod and only seem to enjoy me as entertainment. I'm so disconnected from my sense of self and who I am. I don't know who I am. I'd probably be dead if it wasn't for the promise of medical transition and my boyfriend's support.
I've been having nightmares and this is a rare thing for me and I keep getting reminded of past trauma that just leaves me in shambles. Even the way someone talked that reminded me of a shitty fucking person I knew when I was younger was enough to cause me to breakdown. I'm dealing with self harm urges and I'm only keeping myself from indulging in it because I know my family and friends would be disgusted with me.
I don't feel real at all lately. I need help but I don't think anyone really truly cares enough to give a shit. I cant connect anymore and its fucking tearing me apart. I hate it.
I cant properly articulate or internlinze everything thats happening to me right now but thanks for reading.

Im annoyed, frustrated, angry, and depressed right now. I hate life..I'm so sick of school.. “School this” and “school that”!!, it's like every second people are talking about school and are concerned with how I'm doing.. I JUST DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! I'm already in it 24/7, and I “focus” on it 24/7… I know I’m doing bad! I know that my teachers are concerned… I DONT CARE!!!.. I stopped caring once I realized I was stuck in this stupid pandemic distance situation. Once I realized that my entire senior year was ripped away from me., I stopped caring. Sure I feel bad for the teachers who try, but as for me. I don't care anymore. I already failed, and Yes it's a failure because until things can get back to normal until I stop getting depressed and anxious when thinking about school, I will not be getting back up to try again… That's just cuz I'm stupid and I know it… Quit trying to get involved in my school life mom and Dad!!! It’s enough to have my school in my face, I don't need you to be in my face too. I’m sick of this. Just let me suffer alone! I don't want to open up to you guys about it. I already open up about everything else, school doesn’t need to be included. IM SICK OF THIS! I'm bitter and angry! I have been since this wh*le thing started. SO Yeah, Don't blame me for not caring anymore… I'm just a stupid incompetent person anyway. Not like I was ever gonna do anything great, to begin with. NO, I know that I will do great things, but I don't feel like it right now. I haven't felt like it for a really long time. Why does my entire future rely on right now? Why does a stupid letter in the grade book determine my success? Why does my future success depend on how well I'm able to cope with a pandemic? IM STUPID! That's what I am!!.. Everyone else is doing amazing, everyone is getting things done and moving forward with life, so why am I stuck? Does nobody else care? Or do I just care too much? See, I can't let go of this, an entire year of my life that I looked forward to for 17 years, is gone. An entire year of my life is gone. Relationships are gone, school is gone, passion is gone, ambition is gone, life is gone, faith is gone, everything is gone. My life is just an empty void with depression waiting to attack. And I am merely an actor who appears as put together… the problem with me, is that I know what to do, I know what is right, I know what will fix my problems, but I’m too stupid and lazy to do it. That's the truth, the truth is that I live the life of a fool, holding the glue for the broken pieces, but never actually using it.

Near the end of May, I met a boy online. He is super cool and nice and I am glad I met him because quarantine would've been so much more boring and lonely without him. The thing is though, while talking for months, he developed feelings for me while I have not. He thought that I liked him as well but somewhat recently, I'd say last month or the beginning of this month even, the truth came out and I had hurt him emotionally. I had an anxiety attack because I was scared that he would never want to talk to me or wouldn't want to be friends anymore. Things are somewhat better now, but we still have our awkward/bad moments. I wish we just had a normal friendship where things were just...normal.. and not weird at all. Also, even though I am 100% sure I don't like him, I still don't like it when he brings up his ex girlfriend. It just makes me kind of sad for some reason. I have never been in a relationship before and knowing that he has makes me feel upset when it really shouldn't. I'm getting better with those emotions but yeah.

I'm so fucking tired of never being happy. I'm always pissed or upset or feeling guilty and it sucks. I hate it when something super tiny pisses me off and causes me to cry in my room for the next five hours. I'm tired of my entire day being ruined because of one small insignificant event. I don't know how let go of anger and the internet is a piece of shit when it comes to finding answers because every single way the internet tells me to vent just pisses me off even more and makes me want to snap my own neck in an extremely literal sense. Every single fucking thing pisses me off and I have no ways to express or vent my anger that are healthy and don't piss me off even more. I fucking hate meditation, I hate people, I hate exercising (plus I have to go in front of people to exercise), I can't punch anything, and if I let myself cry I do it for the rest of the day and woops there goes yet another fucking wasted day

in case anyone's like me, and likes to listen to songs that they heavily relate to, here's some of my top favorites.

disclaimer, these songs contain elements that describe anxiety, so if you're sensitive with that kind of stuff, maybe don't take my advice-? haha

Diagnosis (i cannot give anymore) (not the one by Lani Misalucha, it originated on tiktok by someone called Milo)
Unwell by Matchbox 20
Numb by Linkin Park
Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men
Breaking Down by Florence + The Machine
Alone in a Room by Asking Alexandria
When The Party's Over by Billie Eilsh (cheesy, ik, but this song helped me through some stuff)
What Now by Rihanna
Wold at Large by Modest Mouse
Breathin by Ariana Grande (yet again, kinda cheesy, but still helpful)
Where is My Mind? by The Pixies

Add more in the comments if you see fit,and have a good day/night