I never grew up with my dad around. He has 3 other children, one of them is about 5 years old now. He raises her. He raised my older sister who I've met once. He raised my older brother who I've never met, he has 2 kids now. I live in California and he lives in Texas. My mom says he doesn't message me or come around because he thinks I'm better off without him in my life. He's a loser. Maybe he's right. But it sucks, he messages me like once every year to say "I love you." Then nothing. I haven't gotten any type of text from him in about a year and a half. I'm only 12. My mom's always dating shitty guys, but she's stuck with the one she's with now. She got pregnant and had his kid. I love my baby brother with everything I am, but I'm sad because now I know. No matter what, her boyfriend's always gonna be a part of her life no matter if they're together or not. I'm glad he wants a relationship with my baby brother, like me and my siblings never had, but he isn't a nice guy. I'm not gonna overshare too much, I just really need to rant anonymously. Anyway, she loves me and my siblings with all her heart but, I don't think she takes mental health seriously. If anyone ever laid a hand on us she'd go crazy. For example, when I was 3 and my brother was 6 or 7, her boyfriend (at the time) pulled pepper spray on me and my brother because he was mad at us for whining. She beat him with my brother's shoe, took us, and left. I didn't see him again after that. Yet she doesn't think about how everything affects me mentally. All the yelling, fighting and screaming is so hard to hear. My mom grew up with white picket fence parents and a really stable income. She was so privileged, and she threw her life away. She started smoking and doing drugs at 12 and by 14 she had a 19-year-old boyfriend. She's blonde, white, and pretty. I envy her in some ways, I always think that if I had what she had, I wouldn't be as stupid as her and throw it all away. I don't think I want kids, I just want to travel the world. She got pregnant at 17 but the baby didn't survive, then got pregnant at 19 and had my brother, then me at 23, and my sister at 28, and now my baby brother at 33. Were on section 8 housing and use food stamps to be able to eat. I grew up living with my grandparents till I was 8 because she was on the section 8 waiting list for years. It was hard being so young and both my mom and dad not being around a lot. She claims she was there, but the only memories I have of her from ages 0 - 8 was her going into the garage with guys she brought into my grandparent's house and smoking with them. I would go out and try and see her and she'd yell at me to go away. The other 2 memories I have are of her screaming and throwing dishes at my grandma, and me crying my eyes out staring out the window while watching her get into a car with her friends and leave me again. I would pray she'd change her mind and come back inside and cuddle with me till I fell asleep. Wow, I never realized how much trauma I went through until now. Anyway, I didn't know much physical affection because although my grandparents were the white picket fence type with my mom and uncle, my grandma never really told me she loved me or showed any physical affection towards me. But with my grandpa, it was different. He would always have me sit on his lap, rub my feet, snuggle next to me on the couch, even sleep in his bed. I never thought anything weird of it because he was my grandpa. I was naive and, maybe I'm still just overthinking. I dunno, when I was younger we would go fishing, go swimming, get ice cream, go to the park. But as I got older, I started getting weird vibes from him. For example, when I was 10 I was spending the night at my grandparents' house and I was sleeping in the guest bedroom and my grandpa came in and lied down with me. I didn't think anything weird because when I was younger I sometimes slept in his bed, and I'd known him my wh*le life so I never thought anything weird since he was my grandpa, but I was trying to sleep and I felt him move closer to me, my body got all tense, but then I pretended to be asleep for about 10 minutes and he hadn't moved so I just assumed he moved in his sleep. I calmed down and tried to sleep, but then he moved closer to me. He put his hand on my butt. I quickly moved all the way to the end of the bed, trying to play it off as me moving in my sleep. I was so confused and scared. It was already about 5 am because I had stayed up on youtube. I stayed in the same uncomfortable position I was in, at the end of the bed till the sun came up. I spent the entire time trying to build up the courage to get up and leave the room. Finally, I got up and left the room fast, I heard him move in the bed as I left but I didn't turn around. I went into the living room which was where my grandma was, watching tv. I tried to get her attention and she shooed me away but then finally she listened to me and said, "What?" I was scared but I told her. I said that grandpa put his hand on my butt when he thought I was asleep. She didn't believe me at first. Then she brushed it off and said, "He probably thought it was me." I was scared, I just went with it. But I knew he didn't think it was her. I tried my hardest to brush it off and hope he was just half asleep and really did think it was my grandma. I never talked about it or told anyone else ever. I still have to visit their house, but when I'm there I always sleep in the same bed as my little sister because I'm scared that my grandpa might do the same thing to her but worse. My grandpa's health isn't that great now so I don't have to worry as much, since he barely leaves the couch, but I just keep my distance. At school, I'm popular. I get okay grades, I have lots of friends, lots of boys like me. But nobody knows what really goes on. Not even my best friend. I've never had all the new stuff but I guess I grew into my looks after elementary school, and now most people like me or envy me. My life isn't that bad compared to some, but I'm only 12.