Cooped up in his Delaware home during the coronavirus pandemic, Democratic presidential candidate Joseph R. Biden is testing voters’ appetite for second-guessing the commander-in-chief in the middle of a national emergency.
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I'm at my dad's house again, as I usually am after two weeks. Sitting here, my 18-year-old adult self, so down I just want to cry and go to sleep.
I can't handle life at my mom's house. She's Pentecostal. Strict. I can't wear pants, dye my hair, cut my hair, paint my nails, sing non ch*is*ian music, voice any contrary opinions lest she yell and call me sames, and so much more, and it makes me want to scream. Since I was seven. So long.
And more, now it's getting worse.
Now she's claiming I have no issues. She won't recognize my autism. She won't recognize my near-crippling anxiety. She won't recognize my childhood trauma. She just calls me lazy. She blames it all on a lack of motivation.
No, mother. I'm not lazy. I'm sad. There is a difference. I'm sad and I don't see how this will ever get better, how I'm going to even keep living. In this world that just gets worse, how will I ever become independent? How will I provide for myself?
And seeing how I'm so attached to you that I'm upset when I'm away as well, will I even break this cycle? I feel emotionally dehydrated. Drained. Tired.
I want to restart or just to die.
I'm beyond tired. I reassured my friend the other day that I'm not even at my breaking point, but now I think I lied. I'm... done. Only guilt keeps me here anymore.
whenever i come home from college, i feel really frustrated because my mom makes me feel really unwelcome. usually the first few weeks when i get back home it's not bad, but like after two weeks it just explodes. like today i forgot to wipe the table and my mom started just going off; she said i don't contribute anything to the house (which i guess is true, im a college student who works a part time job, i don't really contribute monetarily, and i just wash dishes and the tables? like normal hygienic things), but i think she got triggered today because she asked me to walk the dogs because she didn't want to, which was fine, but i refused because i said i was doing homework for my online classes that are due soon. she called me using her phone (both of us are in the house), but i turned her down and she sounded fine on the phone, but later she just starts exploding. at first she just started ranting about how i didn't clean up after myself because i didnt wipe down the table i was working at and then screaming about how i don't contribute anything in the house and how she has to serve us. i understand where her frustrations come from, but i thought it was so unnecessary to explode like that. after my dad comes back home she starts yelling about me to him, and talking about how i am getting badly influence by my sorority and how i think im high and up there because of the college i go to and how she's glad i didnt get into any ivy league schools or my ego would be so inflated. first off, this is really sad, because i dont know why she had to degrade the org i am in since i have learned and earned so many positions from there and made so many friendships and gained experience (communication, leadership, organizational skills there). and then the school thing, was madwack. I never think or thought of myself superior to someone because of the college i attended, in fact, i honestly have some self esteem and confidence issues which she always attacks me on, saying that i need to be more confident, but honestly? part of the reason why im so turbulent and passive sometimes is because of the way she raised me, i don't have a voice and i am not respected. and when i try to talk back she just is so toxic and i feel like crying so i cant even get my point through. i feel pretty worthless because i cant even give back to my parents right now because i am still in school, but i want to earn money so i can provide them better comfort in life? and my mom doesnt ask me about school, and both my parents didnt go to college which is fine and all, so i guess it would make sense that she doesnt know what to ask about, but at the same time she just makes some wild assumptions and pretends like she knows how i feel, and it's just really frustrating. out of my friend group im usually the most excited to go back home to see my family, but over recent years i dont even have that same excitement because i know my mom's just going to be bitter towards me and i cant even fix that. i feel really terrible because its not like i hate my family, i actually really love them, but i feel like there's this wall because they don't try to understand me when i speak to them or my mom just assumes. i am grateful though, to my family, because ive gotten to eat and sleep so well after coming home, but honestly, is it worth it if i have to experience this toxic relationship?
absolutely HATE my obgyn place and doctor. Everyone is so freaking rude. I have severe PTSD, and the doctor I have will push me so much to get a IUD no matter how much I tell her no. She called a psychiatrist and scheduled me a appointment with her to get me some medicine after I told her no I already have one. I've never gotten a physical exam because of my PTSD and parents. My parents are highly unsupportive of me being uncomfortable with it. One time I got into a huge embarrassing argument with a receptionist. She told me I needed to schedule my appointment for a physical and I told her no. She asked me why and I said I have PTSD, I'm not comfortable with it and I will have a break down in which someone will have to take me to the hospital. She laughed at me said "well I think that's bullcrap and getting a physical is good for your health." Another time I needed a ultrasound to make sure that I didn't have a problems with my uterus. The lady was extremely nice and respectful of me. My parents however... Screamed at me because I asked them to stand outside. I was embarrassed because they had taught me that sex is bad, and that it shouldn't happen before marriage.(Everything was fine with it) she screamed at me and I let everything out. The doctor came in and saw me having a panic attack and made her wait in the corner of the room. My parents know what happened, one doesn't believe me that it did or of my mental health issues, the other refuses to talk about it and gets mad every time it comes up because I didn't tell them sooner. I didn't because I was scared. I didn't feel human. I felt dirty. I felt like it was my fault even though I know it wasn't. Sorry I had to get this out it bothered me.
Today is my long distance boyfriend and I's 11 months anniversary. He's coming down to meet me for the first time with his family in 16 days. I'm excited but also terrified because I'm scared thqtu family won't like him and will force me to stop talking to him. (That won't happen I'll talk to him anyway.) I'm almost 18 and he's the only thing that make me happy. I've had a really shitty afternoon. My parents yelled at me while I was doing homework to clean. It's now dinner time, I'm almost done cleaning but I still have homework to do. I keep overthinking, my head is killing me. I just want the anxiety to stop. I just want them to accept him. I want them to stop yelling at me left and right. I just want everything to stop rn